pretty fucking uneventful last few months. it's mothers day today. gonna give the moms a call and promise her some shit i can do with her at a later date. since she lives 100 miles away.
i've also been pretty fucking sloshed drunk for the past few weeks eating pills occasionally. it's pretty boring now i think i'm going to focus on some work and summer fun. put my head down and get some money for a few weeks and wait for that summer sun to come out.
anyways i would like to talk about my recent victory in life. my good friend who is a golf pro and a ncaa national champion calls me up last week. asking if i would like to join him and another buddy of mine for a round of golf in my hometown of stockton, ca. after a few minutes of me bitching about how its going to cost me 50 bucks to fill up my fucking gas hog 350 hp chevy pick-up i concede and let him know i'd be there.
now before i continue my story i'd like to throw this out there. my friends want me to play golf at this college and shit but i hate school and ill never go back. they've been trying to get me to go for the last couple years. my buddy is now an assistant coach for that college as well.
ok so i show up thinking ima just hack it around with my buddies for 18 holes and drink some alcoholic beverages while im at it... wrong.
he meets me in the parking lot with another buddy i grew up with. then proceeds to walk me to the range where the entire golf team and the coach of the college they want me to play for is. introduces me to the coach and the coach instantly starts talking to me like "so i hear you want to play for our team and blah blah blah" and proceeds to tell me i need to get a student id number so i can get early registration for being a student athlete. LOL! talk about awkward, considering i didn't say anything about joining his fucking team or his college. my friends obviously set me up.
anyway i stroll up to this coach also the club pro with a bright red girls gone wild hat on and a corona t-shirt looking like a complete asshole. i might as well have had a budweiser in my hand walking around with my beer belly hanging out screaming GIT R DONE!
so the good sport i am i play along and act like i'm actually considering this as an option for my future. eventually i break free from this mundane college conversation and make it to the range. where i am awkwardly met by a bunch of just out of highschool college kids wearing their golf attire. complete with polo shirts, collars popped of course, and tucked nicely into their khaki dockers. this is where i finally get a moment to catch my breath and tell my boys to blow me while they chuckle and try to encourage me to think about it.
the fun part hasn't even begun if you can believe that. now im standing on the range with the coach and the entire team glaring over at the new kid. to see if i can even hit the fucking ball. oh, did i mention i've played maybe 3 rounds of golf in the last 3 years? lolol, yeah, so i line up a couple shots with a sand wedge minimizing the chance for a shank and proceed to slap out a couple 50-75 yard shots. just to get whatever hand eye coordination i have left lined up, to try and prevent a completely unfortunate off the hosel shank moment.
luckily i made it through that first impression relatively unscathed. and by unscathed i mean i might as well have been a nigger walking through a KKK gathering with a boom box blaring 2pac's - panther power.
naturally they already had a game plan setup for me, to play with my buddy as a ringer, in a team match play vs a couple other kids on the golf team. then, you guessed it, we are first up on the tee. by the grace of god my favorite club happens to be my driver. so i slapped my drive out there around 300 yards down the right side.
after a couple holes (2) we find ourselves already down 2 in this match play, go figure... the other team is already getting a few chuckles in regarding my poor play. well 7 more holes go by and i'm starting to get my feel back a little bit. we head towards the 10th tee to start the back 9 and surprisingly were only 1 back.
fast forward 3 holes. i smash a drive into the woods out to the right. i can't seem to find my god damn ball. well "hey heres a ball" i say to myself, as i pick it up. after taking a quick glance at it i soon figure out it isn't mine. well i have 2 balls in my bag so i take a quick look around and there isn't anyone in sight. so being the genius i am i'm like this shit is mine. i proceed to fumble around in the rough flipping this ball up into the air repeatedly until suddenly, i drop it, and just my luck it rolls into a gopher hole never to be seen again. sounds like a simple case of bad luck right? wrong again!
not a fucking second later one of the guys from a group behind us, who also happens to be on the golf team. comes swiftly strolling up asking where his ball is. he proceeds to explain that he hit it right there (pointing to the spot where i had just scooped up his ball)! the same ball that eventually fell out of my hand, and into a gopher hole never to be seen again. i completely act like i didn't just hear him ask where his ball is and proceed to walk in the opposite direction hoping to avoid this asshole at all costs. then out of no where my captain save a hoe friend says "HEY JD DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT TAYLOR MADE YOU PICKED UP ITS THIS GUYS BALL".
now put this in perspective. i just picked up a guys ball walked off with it and accidentally threw it down a fucking gopher hole. can you say embarrassing? now i wish it was me that fell into that fucking gopher hole. so i tell this guy sorry bro i lost your ball in a gopher hole. he stares at me in disbelief undoubtedly wondering why i swiped his ball in the first place and now to top it off im telling him it fell in a gopher hole and i couldn't retrieve it. LOL likely story right?
so by now im still reeling from the most awkward embarrassing freak foul up that could possibly happen on a golf course and i still have to try and beat these assholes. well all that drama must have done something to my game. because next thing you know im sticking iron shots and sinking 10 footers. until finally after a sensational 7 pars in a row we take the win by 2 with 1 hole to go.
the unfortunate events on this fateful day had obviously ruined any sensibility these polo wearing yuppees had. because reality had set in. this alcoholic, porn slangin, guy wearing a bright red girls gone wild hat had just fucking whooped their ass. needless to say this momentary reality check was quickly followed by the swishing sounds of golf clubs flying through the air at high velocity.
apparently the drug-addled alcoholic ringer wasn't that bad after all. ;)
Thanks to my trusty host over @ phatservers that say they keep daily backups but apparently they don't. so somehow they corrupted all my most recently updated db's and essentially put me 3 months behind on any work i've done. lost many days worth of work and well fuck you.
however i'm watching pulp fiction right now and it makes me happy.
ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT?
but all is good i've been out of town or gone doing massive amounts of drugs and alcohol consumption. enjoying the summer and even copped a tan. you know how we do.
This has been a very normally awkward weekend. Awkward in that I am completely hungover and that is the only word that describes my current mentality. Normal because it consisted of women, music, parties, drugs, and alcohol.
Rolling down to the coast in a filthy, musty, small death trap saturn in hopes of making small talk with beautiful women that leads to promiscuous sex at a college party. That is where my 23 year journey has led me this weekend. A young man participating in college party debauchery is exactly my style. It's where I fit in, I take to it like the seagulls to fresh cool ocean air. It's refreshing.
